As a reminder, all posts in May 2024 are free to all subscribers. This includes the Friday feature articles, like this one. Happy reading!
In exploring what it means to be human, I often use examples from what I have learned or taught others to help convey what it is I want to say. Most of the time, these examples are from a client session or conversations with friends. Sometimes, it gets even more personal as I explore my internal thoughts and feelings on a specific event or topic from my own life. This is one of those times.
As a social worker, I know that representation matters. As a woman, I know that representation matters. Additionally, as a white1 woman in America, I recognize that I am privileged. I’m white, have blonde hair and blue eyes, and come from a middle-class family. I know privilege and yet, because I’m a woman as well as a “plus-size” woman, I also know marginalization. I have both directly and indirectly experienced marginalization for simply being who I am and looking the way I look.
Though I know all this to be true, it never really hit me in a way that I felt comfortable speaking about. I’m part of the most-represented group of people in western media (caucasian), so clearly I must feel represented most/all of the time, right? But that hasn’t really felt true for me for most of my life, and I always felt scared or ashamed to admit or share that.
It wasn’t until the Irish actor Nicola Coughlan started doing press junkets for her two shows (Bridgerton and Big Mood) that I truly felt what it means to be represented for the first time—that I understood what “representation” actually is and why it’s important. Though it took me by surprise, it also helps me make sense of a lot of my life-long thoughts and feelings. How did it happen? To be honest, I saw a photo of her, and my thoughts shouted in my head: “Those are my boobs!”
“My boobs” meaning they looked just like mine. And then I got choked up.
Never in my life had I seen a leading lady in a genuine romantic lead role (not a token or comedic role) that had boobs that looked like mine. In most of today’s shows and movies, the ingénue has a different figure—one that is much smaller or more athletic, and with boobs that look like pert teardrops with tiny nipples. (Think: Rembrandt, Raphael or Thibueaux’s Reclining Female Nude) In formal dresses or at press events, these actors often wear looks that highlight their slim frames, including revealing necklines, body-conscious fabrics, and exposed backs or midriffs. Their bodies are on full display for the fans—and future employers—to see.
To that point, I read an interview over 30 years ago about how red carpets were equivalent to silent auditions for women, because it was where producers and directors (mostly male) could spot and assess them for future roles. At the time, I remember thinking that seemed a bit like a livestock auction. It made me mad and sad at the same time that women felt they had to do that.
Fast forward to today, and here is Nicola wearing whatever she wants, however she wants, and why shouldn’t she? She looks great and happy in everything she puts on for every interview in which she shares her work—which is what is meant to be the focus: Her work and her talent. For me, it’s been a breath of fresh air.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F533ed96d-ab44-4906-9ddd-b4ea1ef4756c_201x251.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb7b9a2ad-f2e6-45ce-b03e-98d5530a9c48_275x183.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F8f44689d-e64b-408f-94cd-9ae9e6bbf815_228x221.jpeg)
I watched her do interviews on red carpets, or photoshoots for magazine spreads, as she talked about character development, her passion for her craft, and championing her colleagues. During one of those interviews, while listening to her speak, I suddenly realized I was seeing a famous woman whose breasts did exactly what mine do. Hence the “Those are my boobs!” reaction. I was taken aback before being overcome with emotion.
As an aside: Sadly, for most of my life I have always heard that look referred to as saggy or droopy. The comedian Joan Rivers was famous for saying things like this. Not a nice way to refer to women’s bodies… and definitely something that has stuck with me for decades of adulthood, especially when dress shopping.
So, here I am feeling so many emotions as I watch Nicola embodying her success and having a lot of fun with fashion as she goes on interview after interview. Her looks range from sleek and elegant to wildly artistic, and come in almost every material imaginable. There is no apologizing, no explaining... no hiding. Just being. She is being herself exactly as she is and seems to be truly enjoying this stage of her life and career. As she shows up and talks about her work, she shifts the focus to what is actually important, the entire reason she’s there: her work. Then, when she’s excited about a look or a certain dress, she shares that info, too. And for the first time in my 52 years, I suddenly knew what actual representation feels like.
Feeling buoyed by my realization, I went on an online binge to fuel my inner self by watching as many of her recent interviews as I could in order to get a deeper sense of what was going on inside my own head. Not only does Nicola break the Hollywood mold of what a successful female actor is supposed to look like, but that’s literally the least interesting thing about her. Her mind, her talent, her words, and her fierce friendships also represent a possibility that I can only feel excited about in a similar way: A successful woman staying true to herself and focusing on her work and the relationships she has made in her life and career.
I think, on some level, that’s something we all hope for, deep down, but haven’t always seen as possible because of the various narratives we are fed on a regular basis. Now, however, with Nicola on the scene, it seems like it’s not only possible, but probable… if we allow it to be.
As I write those words, I think that’s actually the point. In the end, perhaps that’s why representation matters the most: It changes the impossible to possible, and the possible to probable.
Update: With all the buzz surrounding Bridgerton’s Season 3 release (which was yesterday, and no, I haven’t had time to watch it yet), my social feeds have been full of various photo ops and interviews. It’s been amazing—and incredibly reinforcing—to see Nicola own her well-deserved place in the spotlight. And yet, with almost every post, I’m also reminded of why representation matters so very much, and why my acknowledging that and writing this article is important. Exhibit A:
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F30aee22d-309d-4429-975d-f3feaa5fbc51.heic)
What a (vastly) different response from the one I had! And it begs the questions: 1) Why do we feel it’s okay to say things like this? And 2) Why is it often women tearing other women down? Don’t we have enough to battle in this world simply for existing without adding to those challenges by making it an uglier and less safe place to live for each other?
So, yes, representation matters. It matters more than we can even acknowledge, especially as women.
Mostly white—I’m ⅛ hispanic.