Relation ≠ Relationship

How discernment can save you frustration and hurt feelings

The other day, I was talking with a friend who was telling me a story about how she decided to answer a call from a family member, even though she didn’t want to talk to them. Immediately, my thought was: “Why would you answer, then?” It turns out that I wasn’t the only person with that thought, as she received the same response from someone else she had shared the story with.

Photo by Miryam León on Unsplash

So, I asked her: “Why did you answer?”

She replied: “Because they’re family. (pause) They’re a blood relative.”

I thought for a moment as she kept talking, and then I said, “Relative does not equal relationship.”

Even though I totally appreciated her decision to answer the phone—as well as her thoughtful nature to be kind and inclusive—I also listened as she explained how her relative had been almost completely absent in her life the last several years; but now that the relative wanted something, suddenly, they were calling and talking as if they are besties.

This is not a relationship.

Relationships are not defined by blood or DNA, they’re defined by actions and follow-through. They’re defined by connection and effort, or a desire to be connected. They’re defined by thoughtfulness. Most of all, relationships are defined by mutual intent, meaning: They are always a two-way street. If a relationship is one-way, it’s not a relationship.

If someone is related to you by blood, but makes no effort to be in your life or include you in theirs unless or until it’s convenient or required, that’s a relative—that’s not a relationship. And if it’s not a relationship, then you don’t need to engage with them (or answer their calls!) simply because you share some genes.

Photo by Joseph Chan on Unsplash

It may sound harsh, but that’s mainly because we’ve been conditioned to believe that we are in the wrong if we feel differently. Just think of these common phrases:

• Blood is thicker than water

• Family is everything

• Family first

• You’ll always have your family

• Family always has your back

A quick online search comes up with thousands and thousands of quotes about family and how important and steadfast it is. While this may be true for some people, it’s not true for everybody, and it’s not always true the further out you get from the nuclear family.

For this reason, it’s important to understand and discern the difference between a “relation” and a “relationship”. The one where you will want to invest your time, love, and energy is the one that also chooses to invest in you. (Hint: It’s the latter.)

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