Tips & Quips—TIP: Making Time
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One of the primary things I work on with clients involves building healthier relationships. You may have heard different phrases that say something like: “people make time for what matters to them.” While it’s mostly true, it can be a bit harsh to hear, so let’s break it down.
Firstly, it’s not necessarily true that they don’t love or care for you if they aren’t making time for you, though it can be. Attention isn’t always a 1:1 translation of exactly what’s going on in others’ lives. It can, however, represent some specific information that would be helpful for you to understand. A better interpretation would be something like: People will create time for others often based on two things:
1) what the others are asking/offering, and
2) their bandwidth (emotional, mental, physical).
Firstly, it’s important to remember that in any situation, you can only control what you’re offering or asking of the other person. More importantly, just because you think something is great or important—even if the other person liked it previously—it does not automatically follow that the other person is going to agree.
Furthermore, it’s important to remember that you are rarely privy to someone else’s bandwidth. Even if they appear to have time in their day, they may not have the mental or emotional reserves to show up the way you need them to, or the way they would want to.
Our emotional, mental, and physical bandwidths are in a constant state of flux. Understanding that you may not be a priority for someone for this thing you’re asking, is to accept that the variables are constantly changing, and understanding that you may only know half of the story.
Ultimately, we all get to choose where we want to put our energy and focus. While we can’t change others’ behaviors, we do get to have a say in the behaviors we will accept (or not accept) in our relationships. When you feel disappointed or stressed, it might help to check in on what behavior you may be accepting but don’t want… or expecting but not getting. Checking in can help you shift how you engage with this person, including how you express your needs. Once you’ve done that, if you’re still feeling marginalized it may not be a relationship you want to continue. An easy “red flag” would be if you find yourself constantly apologizing for or making excuses for their behavior. (Trust me—in my most dysfunctional relationships, I did this a lot.)
Nothing is improved without communication, and when you understand the two variables that impact how people choose to prioritize things in their life, you have a much better chance at creating the relationships you want… and deserve.
In case you missed it… click here for last week’s Featured Article.
Also, want to know what’s coming up on Unique and Universal? Here’s a glimpse at future posts and articles:
Letting go
The importance of representation
Littering
Grief and cancer
The perils of comparison
And… so much more!