What Would You Let Go Of?

Tips & Quips: Quip

Ever since I can remember, I have played with words. I kept quote books as a kid and teenager, and today I use the notes app on my phone to capture quotes when I see them. I love words. They have the power to do so much—both good and bad—and are seemingly limitless in their application.

However, once I became a certified life coach, Reiki Master Teacher, and then a licensed therapist, I began to pay closer attention to the words we use and what can happen as a result. Yes, words have power, but they also have energy. If you even scratch the surface of etymology, you will quickly come to understand the importance of choosing your words wisely.

As a result of both my passion and my professional endeavors, I have changed my language over the years to more accurately reflect who I am, what I believe and know, and my values. For example, when I learned that one possible meaning for “rule of thumb” stems from the allowance for a man to beat his wife with a stick (provided the stick was not thicker than his thumb), I immediately removed that phrase from use. The actual (and older) origin of the phrase is widely accepted to be a unit of measurement amongst tradesmen, with the domestic violence attribution occurring later. For me, if it even remotely aligns with sanctioning domestic violence, I don’t need to use it.

In more modern times, the New Age movement has steered us away from using “should” in our vernacular. As a word that is often associated with shame or guilt, it stands to reason that we limit its use, or at least be more sensitive to it. However, there’s a modern phrase that I think is even more problematic, and one that I often intervene on if it’s used when someone speaks to me. It’s the phrase, “You have to…” If ever there was a phrase to let go of, this would be my first choice. 

When someone says to me, “You have to…” I have an instant reaction of, “No, I don’t ‘have to’ … anything.” Some examples I’ve heard in the past include:

You have to understand…

You have to realize…

You have to listen…

You have to do something…

The only time I “have to” do anything is when I have to use the bathroom. Otherwise, I don’t “have to…” anything, especially not based on anyone else’s agenda, beliefs, or fears. For me, what it implies is that the person saying it somehow feels they know better, without ever having asked me.

“You have to” is a conversation and communication killer, in my opinion, and something we can all let go of if we want to experience healthier relationships.

So, tell me, what phrase or words would you like to see removed from our lexicon?

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