Tips & Quips—QUIP: Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Your discomfort is your discomfort.
Just as my discomfort is mine to deal with.
I recently chatted with a client about a difficult conversation she needed to have with someone. As we were talking, she realized that she was struggling with what to say because she was trying to guard against the other person’s discomfort. She was anticipating their reaction and assuming it would make them uncomfortable, which prompted her to try and change her words instead of accurately assessing the situation, or even asking.
Uncomfortable conversations are inevitable.
As much as we may want to avoid them, they are part of life. Not all conversations are going to be comfortable. In fact, I’d argue that some of the most meaningful conversations we have with others are often the ones that cause the most discomfort… before often resulting in a stronger connection.
So, how do we get there? We remember that someone else’s discomfort is theirs, not yours.
Now, of course this requires that you’re not being cruel, attacking, judgmental, or unkind with your words, which would cause discomfort in the other person. That would actually make you a jerk, not a willing participant in connection. But if you’re being honest, open, and vulnerable while also being respectful, difficult conversations can be much easier to navigate when you allow someone else to experience discomfort and then work toward a resolution together. The alternative is a form of “gate-keeping” for someone else which ultimately often ends up in resentment and frustration—which I’d argue is ten times worse than discomfort.