Dreams Find Their Way
Or: That Time When I Let Go of Something and Where It Went [Bonus FREE Post]
Where do our childhood dreams run off to when adult life begins to encroach on our imaginations and passions? What happens to the dreams we abandon or let go of to pursue something different, something more “realistic” or “stable”? Do dreams simply… die?
When I was younger, for most of my youth, I dreamt of being an actor. It was all I wanted. From 4th grade on, I performed in every play, every recital—any opportunity to be on stage, I grabbed and relished. Even without a stage, I performed at home. I played dress-up and would dance and sing while concocting stories in my mind using lots and lots of words (some things never change). Often, it was just me, without an audience, performing for the sheer delight of it.
By my senior year of high school, I had reached what I would consider the ultimate success as an actor: My homeroom advisor, Mrs. Cragin, came to see my play and told me that in the midst of watching it, she had forgotten it was me up there on the stage. I became, in her eyes, the character. I embodied her, leaving my own self in the dressing room. I will never forget that moment and have carried it with me ever since.
It would seem odd, then, that less than a year later, when I went to Kenyon College (a school known for its theater program and dramatic arts), that I would abandon acting altogether. In truth, I blamed it on time and my desire to explore other things in the theater that I knew little about, such as costume design, staging, playwriting, and makeup artistry. However, I think it’s more accurate to say I was scared. I was scared that I might learn that I no longer had the ability to embody a role in the way that I had finally achieved in high school. So, instead of honing my craft, I stepped away from it to focus on other aspects that were peripheral to it. Thankfully, at Kenyon, the degree in Drama was all-inclusive regardless of any specific area of focus. As such, I earned my degree in Drama in 1994, even though I took a side-step away from acting.
Deep down, I also think I knew that I wouldn’t have had the stomach to live as a “struggling actress” nor the necessary emotional tools and familial support to navigate that world. When I hear actors' acceptance speeches in which they thank their parents for always believing in them, I admit to feeling a twinge. In my world, it always felt like acting was meant to be a hobby, not a realistic pursuit. So, it makes sense that at around 18 or 19 years of age, I allowed my dream to fly from my mind… and my heart. Instead, I focused on directing and producing, which gave me skills that I have carried over into every job since. I picked the acting dream up one last time to try it on during my senior year of college when I performed in my senior thesis (with Josh Radnor, no less, who was amazing even then). I quickly realized that letting my dream go three years earlier meant that it was a dream that was no longer mine. So what happened to my dream?
When dreams fly away from us, they often find another place to land—at least, that’s my hope. They go somewhere where they can be realized, with someone who has more resources, passion, or ability to make them come true. Or, perhaps, it’s simply better timing. However it works out, I like to think that there are dreams filling the airwaves between people, covering the earth as they gracefully caress a cheek or twinkle in the reflection of an eye searching for their next home.
…there is true joy in allowing ourselves to dream new dreams.
It's with that thought in mind that I reflect on an interview I heard Nicola Coughlan give to CBS in which she shared the story about when she first knew she wanted to act. She was about 4 or 5, had watched The Wizard of Oz and realized that that was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Her dream was set and she never waivered, even in the years when she struggled. Perhaps she had more passion than I did. Or perhaps she had more tools, better support, and (slightly) easier timing in the world. Or perhaps all of the above? Regardless of the reasons why, Nicola found a way to keep dreaming and aligning with what she knew in her heart she wanted. Thankfully, because she is an incredible talent the world needs!
The point at which I let go of my dream to become an actor was roughly around the same time that Nicola grabbed hold of hers. My letting go at 19 means that it was 1991 and Nicola would have been around four. If my dream left me and had to fly across an ocean to rest on the shoulder of a small Irish girl from Galway, I honestly can’t think of a better place for it to have landed. And, in truth, it couldn’t have gone to a better person.
In the past, I sometimes lamented not pursuing my acting dream. But now that I’ve lived what feels like multiple lives over the course of decades, each with their own set of dreams both realized and released, I can see the beauty in allowing our dreams to have the freedom to end up where they will be most appreciated, pursued, and realized. I have also realized that there is true joy in allowing ourselves to dream new dreams. And when our courage, passion, and dreaming aligns, well, that’s where the magic resides.
Let me know your thoughts!