Ask Martina: Getting Started and What to Expect

"Ask Martina"—A reader-directed column

Years ago, I wrote an “Ask Martina” column for a local magazine for a short period of time before the magazine folded. Just like the “Dear Abby” columns of old, readers would send in their questions to the editor and I would respond to them. It was a fun way to share my experience and expertise and help others who weren’t able to work with me directly. 

As part of my creating Unique and Universal, I’ve decided to resurrect the “Ask Martina” element. What I learned from the last time I did this is that it was beneficial for people who felt some stigma around seeking help. My writing about other readers’ real-life issues helped them process things in the privacy of their own homes. Additionally, I have found that this format is helpful in part because reading gives people time to process, and also because we feel less alone when we know someone else is going through something similar.

It’s for those reasons that I have chosen to bring back the “Ask Martina” column. So, with that in mind, here is one of my older pieces to kick things off and give you an idea of what’s to come. (Originally written in 2016. © MEF. All rights reserved.)

Please note: No medical advice is given and any answers should be considered as information only. The user is responsible for their use of anything they read, and Martina assumes no liability for others' decisions and actions. Spam or disparaging comments will be instantly deleted.

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Q: How do I find acceptance about something entirely outside my control? (Backstory: The question was asked from a place of wanting to help a loved one who was sick.)

A: This wasn’t the first time I’ve been asked this, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Acceptance can feel tricky, because we often think it means we are condoning behaviors and/or agreeing with someone when we don’t. It doesn’t. Acceptance conveys an inner peace and a willingness to allow for things to unfold, while not actually relinquishing control over our own person. Therefore, acceptance requires discernment. What do I mean by that?

1. When you can figure out what’s yours and what’s somebody else’s from a neutral place, you are practicing discernment. 

2. When you can act from this knowledge you are practicing acceptance. 

In order to arrive at acceptance through discernment, however, it’s absolutely crucial to take perspective. Taking perspective is one of those “all-purpose tools” in your toolbox. Let’s use a concrete example to really understand how perspective and discernment help us to arrive at acceptance. 

Someone you love has gotten sick or injured in some way. From where you stand, perhaps the solution is easy: If they do x they should get better. But from where they stand, the solution is not that clear, for various reasons. As a result, you are at an impasse. 

So, the first step is to take perspective. That looks like asking the question: “Is this mine?” If the answer is “No,” (and it’s always no), then you need to take a step back. If you’re not the injured or sick person, it’s not yours. So, we have to take perspective. Some questions to ask yourself:

• Can I know what this person is feeling? (no)

• Can I know everything that’s going on in their head? (no)

• Have I lived the same life they have? (no)

• Could I possibly know better than they do about their own situation? (no)

That last one is the tricky one, because when we love someone we often think that we do know better. We don’t. We know differently.

So, when we take perspective and practice discernment, we often arrive at respect for their autonomy. Once we respect their position, we can respond from a less emotionally-charged place—or better yet, a neutral place—and we can ask them how we can help or if they even want help. This is acceptance. 

Very few people want someone else to “fix” their problems, often they want someone to sit next to them and hold their hand while they work on finding a solution. Sometimes they ask for help, but that doesn’t mean they want to have someone impose upon them. To tell someone what you think they should do is to impose. It’s really that simple. To ask someone how you can help is to be compassionately supportive. To discern the difference between these two things is to understand acceptance.

When you accept something that is outside of your control, you are able to respond differently and show up with more respect and compassion. Acceptance, therefore, is not about condoning or even agreeing; ultimately, it’s about respecting. When you understand that, it will be easier to “find acceptance.”

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